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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

I still wonder

At times, we think what is the meaning of life? What is our true purpose in this world?
It would probably be whimsical to visualize myself in the shoes of 50Cent rapping his way through the story in which he survived bullet shots to his body.

We react often, respond seldom. We are overcome by lust. We are beaten by procrastination, murdered by expectations.
At the end of it all, we are left with still some hope like some crepuscular rays gently and elegantly holding a spotlight in your favorite neuron of your favorite lane of your most liked city of your brain-world.

Don't react.. Respond.
The last midnight train has left and you have been paralyzed, mentally handicapped, skewed with only the basic faculties left. If you think you can swing this shot and hit a home-run, you might make it. Persist.

But what happens to those who are left scarred with a scalding in their lungs, and the numbness of being normal. You fight outside, you fight your thoughts inside, but no matter what you do, the days when you were in your prime won't come back. You try and stare at the dots on the shore, thinking that calm will make everything better. But it won't. Have you ever been left with this thought?

The farthest crying corner of music then somehow holds you in place. You are half kneeling, not quite sorry, but very sorry for your fate, not crying but flooded inside with tears that won't even come. The happiness is ephemeral. Have you realized how music makes you temporarily happy but permanently sad. It removes your unhappiness but it never leaves you conscious of its effect on you, and if you happen to be sad the way my words are now, it just makes the pain worse. You just can't make a valid working philosophy just by listening to music. Songs are themselves short philosophies. Oh how deep music is, and how it relieves me. But how incomplete I am both with and without it.

I badly wanna go back in time.. save myself from dying.
I wish I could retrieve the old me to this future I am living today.
It was all over by 23.
I'm not the same old me.

But then reading this post as I am writing it, I realize that I'm not so bad.
Just that it requires some more effort than usual to activate my sensibilities.
I might unconsciously be living the life of a winner. Because this country is so encompassing, so free, and accommodating, it is automatically setting the right paths for me.
I know exactly what I want. And I am going for it.
But I feel incomplete. I don't have a partner. Maybe all the negative things I wrote translate to this simple fact.

I don't know if it is better to be charming and carefree or conforming and heedful.
All I know is, I would never have had the happiest experiences of love and life if I hadn't been the former one.
And now, I cannot but be the latter because preserving my dignity and introverted, rediscovered passion is of prime importance to me.
I still wonder though.
I still wonder. What it would be like..
to be with a girl.

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